Before I type a single word I want to say all that I have learned has come from interactions with my host family. This paper reflects only one Tunisian family and is by no means an attempt to generalize.
My host cousin is just about the kindest person you could ever hope to meet. She has a great gift for languages, memorizing any English spelling I tell her instantly. Last night we were speaking about how we where both a little bored and the fact slipped out that she hadn't gone out with her friends in over two years. I was completely shocked and inquired why this was so. She told me that her mother hasn't allowed her out of the house without her brother for many years, this includes everything from meeting a group at the café's to walking to the store at night. These rules are the same for all female members of her extended family. Every night she stays at home and watches her brothers go out. She is denied the independence that Americans associate with adolescence. None of the younger women (age 19-23) I have spoken too can drive whereas all the young men can. Part of the reason for this is high price of a license (500 d) but the greater reason is separate world of young men and women.
In the west a child slowly moves out from under their parents control with age. They either go to a university or move out and begin a job. In Tunisia adulthood is pushed back until after marriage. The children will live at home until then and when they live under their parent's roof they are held to strict rules. At the age of 19 and 20 women cant leave the house and they often have “secret boyfriends”. These boyfriends would be described as simply friends by western standards. They meet with their boyfriends about once a week in a public place. The Tunisian women I have spoken too have dated their boyfriends for over a year and they have never experienced a long kiss. This is something that should be saved for marriage. Last night my host sister, her two cousins and I went out to a café. During our stay she noticed some of her friends from school walk in the door. She went over to the group and talked to them a while and when she returned she was grilled by her male cousin aka chaperone. This grilling was killing me, it took all of my self control not to yell at him that is was none of his business if his cousin spoke to a boy, she was 19 and had to start making her own choices. This was our chaperone whom wouldn't even let us three girls get coffee alone. I sat in silence for a while and let my American values sulk for the moment, watching the other Tunisian young women (some around 14-16) smoke and chat with men, I discovered that my culture shock was made much worse by living with such a conservative family.
When my host Grandmother was married she never saw her husband until after the wedding. This was in the 1950's the same time my grandparents would go out for drinks and dancing (something that my host sister and cousin have never done). Its only natural that the nature of physical relationships “progressed” more slowly than those in the west.
Living with a family in nonwestern culture has shattered my mental conceptions of the world over and over again. Living with no other Americans is very difficult for travel and often very lonely but I am thankful for it, not for the language aspect but for the fact that I truly am living a new life instead of taking a vacation.
Me: I've always thought that I was conservative when it comes to relationships but I guess I'm kinda a tramp.
Cousin: (laughs) Welcome to the family.
6 comments:
My understanding is that generally speaking, Islamic values encourage the protection of women. However this is mostly misunderstood by people and thus you get the scenario you mentioned in your blog. Men and women are not allowed to have pre or extra marrital relationships. Why? The reasons are many. For one you dont have a scenario of unmarried single mothers in their teens, of which the US has the highest. 1 in 3 is the fact.
But thats not an excuse, men are required to abide by certain rules and respect women in Islamic states. But largely this doesnt happen due to a lack of proper education. Again no excuse for them.
On another note, the UK has one fifth of the US population, but the USA has in relative twice as many rapes. Both countries conclude that only around 35-40% of rapes are reported.
So what does this tell us about the openess in the US. The UK isnt far behind. And other european countries. But go back to the days where it was punishable for men and women to have such relatinships in Europe, and you find that the teenage pregnancy rates and rape rates very significantly lower. In places like Italy and France its still relatively low in comparison to the UK and USA.
Basically there are good points and bad about both cultures. But what I am trying to say is I do understand the point of view of Islamic states. They are trying to avoid the scenarios mentioned above.
I live in France by the way and came across your post whilst searching for holidays in Tunisia. Just thought id share my two cents worth.
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Another american trying to impose their culture on another people. A over whelming majority or arab women keep their virginity until marriage. As opposed to a overwhelming majoirty of western women who fornicate and have children out of wedlock. Avoiding the opposite sex helps preserve things like that. Their is no campaign against your lifestyle from tunisians so dont start a campaign against theirs. Most arab muslims dont want dating so why not sell your poison some where else instead of insisting it's normal or ok. This is in reality is harassment to accept another people's way of life sort of like the jihadists just with another way of life.
hii
i think a balance of both the world is must.....
Is that all you kept from your visit to Tunisia. If that's all, then by all means you should stay home and stop pretending to be an explorer!
You are then clearly too narrow-minded. Note: your essay could benefit from a spellchecker!
It has been nearly seven years since I wrote this post so imagine my surprise to see all of these hateful comments appear in my absence.
I was 20 years old when I left for Tunis. It was my first trip outside of North America and I confess that I was scared after being thrown into a new culture so far from home. When I read back over these blogs I agree that they need a heavy spell check (never my strongest suit) and that some of my points sound naive now. I think that is why I left this blog up unchanged. Seven years and twenty counties later, I can remember the emotions I felt back then. Some points, like my reaction to the bidet seem embarrassing now. However, all of these posts were written with the best of intentions. I love my host family, I consider myself blessed to still be in contact with them and I hope to return to the beautiful country of Tunisia for my host sister’s wedding.
Now on to the topic at hand.
The double standards that are applied to men and women are common worldwide. I do not claim western culture is “correct”. Just yesterday I had a Greek co-worker tell me she could never imagine her daughter living alone despite the fact that her sons did. What I do believe is that men and women are equal and therefore should be given the same rights and risks. Travelling India as a single woman wasn’t easy but I had the choice to take that risk, one that my parents disagreed with but eventually accepted. I believe that any culture that believes men and women are of equal “value” must accept women’s choices to accept or decline the same opportunities as men.
Thank you for reading.
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